Ok so i guess lately i’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to disclose i’m autistic amidst new people in a social situation that feels more Normative than i’m used to – e.g., a party. I think so many of my early social ventures have been in more niche subcultures where it’s a bit more common to find a range of social Ways Of Being? Like going to queer events and ‘nerd/geek’-targeted groups tend to bring no shortage of autistic peers lol. But then at a party full of friends of friends and friends that all met through a music scene that I have some difficulty accessing (both energy/time wise and also... My own baggage lol) i feel like i go into ‘ok prepare yourself to be misunderstood and offputting’ mode?

But also i’ve got this hangup where idk how people are going to take it if i say i’m autistic? Like i feeel like i *need* that disclaimer when i’m interacting and i’m not sure how much of it is a disclaimer and how much is, like, trying to provide important context for why i am the way that i am, so that people have that lens when i’m making a first impression?
I think it’s a convoluted way to deal with my fear of first impressions because i’ve kinda been told my whole life that people don’t respond well to their first impressions of me. So then i build up all this anxiety and preemptive strategy and i feel like i’m starting off relationships begging them to please give me grace and not hurt me or assume my intentions and maybe that’s just a new evolution of some compulsive reassurance-seeking? But also as much as it’s compulsive it’s also, like, understandable that i’d seek reassurance of my psychological safety before i decide how much i’m going to open up?

Like i guess what i’m scared will happen if i *don’t* disclose is that i’ll miss social opportunities because people will assume my quietness/stimming/need for space/bluntness is me being unfriendly or shutting down connection, when that’s actually me unmasking in the Interest of connection!!! So wtf do i even do? Do I just, like, describe my autistic traits and provide context, without saying the phrase i’m autistic since i can’t necessarily rely on people knowing what context i’m trying to provide from that statement? Like maybe if i uhhhhh say ‘by the way i am interested in what you’re telling me, some people think i’m not interested when i’m looking away and cross-stitching but i’m doing this Because it helps me focus on what you’re saying, please keep talking’?

Or is that also convoluted??????